Its been a while since I confided in you and today I decided to redeem myself. In life’s myriad experiences there are some so scary, heart breaking, that even a casual remembrance is enough to shake the foundation of one’s existence and thus one decides to take such things; to one’s grave. The burden of such a decision tends to weigh heavy on one’s heart and mind leading to a turbulent existence. Such has been the fate in my lot for the past months or so and yet there I was hoping for a silver lining. Today the veil has come down and I clearly see my folly. Not that I didn’t realize it from the beginning, just that I chose to ignore it. A young girl can’t be blamed for dreaming a bit, can she ?
Green you know is my favorite color. Red may symbolize love universally, but for me its a grim reminder of all the blood shed, anger and the likes of the world. Green on the other hand brings about the picturesque view of nature’s beauty, of prosperity, it’s easy on the eyes and for me green symbolizes love .. maybe love is too strong a word .. I don’t know what it was, but his green eyes attracted my attention the first time I saw him. It was as if they were made of emerald. I had reached an hour earlier to office that day.. as an intern I wanted to make a good impression. He smiled as he entered the office, I smiled back and he walked away to his cubicle. For the next few days I kept a vigil and as the clock stuck 10 he entered the office. I didn’t have a means to talk to this stranger in my office, he didn’t work in my team, the exchange of smiles though became a routine. He dropped in with clock work precision, as the clock sounded 10 he would enter the door, at sharp 6 in the evening he stepped out. I suspected whether he was a bit eccentric in nature obsessed with punctuality. I never saw him around the cafeteria during lunch hour neither did my wish of bumping into him during a tea break ever materialize. Again I wondered whether he was an introvert, a workaholic who kept to himself.
I was tired of my musing over him. Tired trying to figure him out from his clothes, his clock work like punctuality, his clothes and his walking style. The rose plant had been stripped barren and there was no more of ‘I should go talk to him’ – ‘I should not go talk to him’ game to be played. I was not sure about what or how I was gone talk to him. Some of my colleagues had noticed that I had started coming in early and that as the minute hand reached the 12 hour mark I started looking up often at the entrance door. In a few days they had got the hint and the teasing started..
“.. its nearing 10 here we go .. watch her face light up..”.. “Shut up Ran don’t you have a budget report that you need to complete” ..
” Not worth missing the stupid smile on your face Annie”.. “Shut up Ran”.
“You should go talk to him .. Say.. Hello there my price charming” and they all used to burst into a peal of laughter.
Roya managed to do a Sherlock Homes and figured out the mystery stranger. She didn’t have an excited look on her face when she gave me his name. More suspicious was the fact that she informed me when the others were not around. Look up his name in the internal portal you will get his details. No teasing, no giggles.. something seemed suspicious. Did she like him too ? was she jealous or sad he smiled at me everyday ? He was handsome after all… Young and handsome. I stayed back late in the office that evening to ensure nobody popped up from behind while I checked the internal portal. I was too excited to even think of what I was doing or what I would do with this new-found information. I logged into the internal portal and typed his name and pressed the enter key.. the page began to load and as I gasped my breath.. it got stuck. I sat there for another 30 min or so but the network didn’t show any signs of recovery. That night was long and weary. I reached office early the next morning and impatiently waited for the computer to boot up. I felt nervous and excited as the page with his details loaded up on my screen. When it finally loaded it hit me why Roya my best friend was not excited. Of course she had checked his profile and read his marital status, he was married. I didn’t know why I cried that time.. I had never talked to him. I didn’t know who he was. Yet the tears rolled down my eyes. Roila came in later and watching my red eyes knew what had happened. But then came the most horrible thing I had ever done in my life. I refused to let go of a stupid crush and move on. I turned it into an ugly thing. I assumed that it wasn’t true, his marital status must have been wrong. He seemed too young to be married.
And so I decided to confront the truth for myself today. I waited for the clock to strike 10, he was late, he didn’t step into office. I panicked at the implication this meant. It was after an hour that he finally walked into office but I was determined to go through with my decision. He looked up and smiled and here I was, I smiled and walked towards him and asked him what special plan he had for today. It was not a polite question for a first time chat with a stranger but it seemed I had lost all sense of sanity. He was certainly shocked but managed to recover. He pulled out his wallet and showed me the picture, “My wife and my high school sweet heart, I am gone take her out for dinner. Just came to know a few days back that she was pregnant !” He smiled at me. “What about you ?”
“Oh well I am gone hang out with my friends, we have a movie outing planned out…” I lied. “..and congrats on the great news.”
“Yeah.. Thanks” he smiled and headed towards his cubicle.
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